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Running with the grandkids! |
While training for a Disney World marathon
scheduled for last November (2012) I came face to hip with the terror every
runner fears. In August 2012, I was running on the sidewalk along a local street
in front of our hospital. A woman using a cell phone while
driving clipped me as I scurried out of her path. She was entering the street
from the hospital driveway. Although the light was red, she did not slow down.
She did not look to see what was in front of her as she turned right onto the
street. She did not stop as I slapped her fender and twirled to avoid going
down. I do not think she saw me or knew that she had hit me with her red pickup
truck. My right leg was sore for a couple of days, but there were only slight
bruises and it did not occur to me that it might further contribute to the back
pain that is a part of getting older. I did not file a complaint with the
police department (what was there to report?)
The next weekend, I was experiencing increasing
pain and could not effectively drive my car. I checked in to the Center Point
Medical Center seeking relief. They prescribed Oxicodone and allowed me to
return home. Now, I have suffered from multi-level disk degeneration of the spine for over a decade (arthropathy, hypertrophy, disc bulges, protrusions,
disc hernial extrusions; bilateral sacroiliac, arthrosis, spondylosis—stuff of
life!)
The next few months I lived through my own private
hell. And, yes, I could not run! Yikes!
During the weeks following my brush with the
pick-up, my pain grew increasingly worse. I could not sleep at night without
constantly tossing and turning, trying to relieve the pain. I could not drive
the car. I could not sit. I could not stand without constantly moving. I could
not work, because the pain kept intruding on my ability to sit down, to
concentrate, and to carry on a decent conversation with folks. I could not play
with my grandchildren without crying through the pain. I did not want to be
with other people. I was embarrassed. I was anxious. I was ashamed. I felt
useless.
I was asked many times what my “pain level” was. After
several attempts to share happy or sad faces, place it on a continuum of 1-10,
describe if it is “better or worse” than the last time, etc. I finally decided
to share this way:
Regarding life as I have grown accustomed to living
is one in which it feels as if someone has taken a baseball bat and hit me in
my lower back. That pain has been constant
for the last ten years. It does not go away, but some days it is more
pronounced than others. I have managed this with OTC Tylenol. (And during this
time, I completed three marathons, twelve half marathons and a number of
5K-10Ks.) Although I constantly hurt, I always felt real pain was reserved for those in trauma.
Last summer, the pain increased in a way that felt
like someone drove a screwdriver into my right hip and on the second whack,
missed and hit my lower back again, increasing the pain in both areas. Then, it
felt like my legs had been “re-wired” with exposed electrical wire and
someone hooked me up to a generator, so now in addition to the back and hip
pain I experience a pulsating electrical current hitting the nerves, hipbone,
kneecap, shin, thigh, and ankle.
After seeing an orthopedic specialist, receiving
three epidurals, engaging in physical therapy and establishing a pain
management program, I faced the new year wondering if I would ever be useful to
anyone. I did not think I would run again. Ever.
I share this humble story not for anyone’s
sympathy. Rather, I want to encourage others facing the debilitating, disabling
despair, depression, pain and anxiety that life sometimes brings.
I do not compare my pain or situation with others. The
positive attitude and herculean efforts of one person to overcome life’s
challenges takes many forms and may or may not have the same results of another’s
efforts. But the will to live is powerful.
The desire to embrace life, with whatever obstacles or challenges encountered
does affect how one gets through the day.
Prayer is relative. Don’t equate your idea of a
favorable outcome with the reality of dealing with life. Prayer does help us cope. Prayers for another are appreciated.
Gratitude always helps in keeping us grounded. I am
richly blessed. There is so much real pain in the world … disabling physical
conditions that are so challenging; poverty, disease and hunger that takes away
life so quickly; violence that erupts (or is constant) into the reality of men
and women and children who deserve better; mental demons that kill potential
and destroys persons from all cultures. My heart goes out to such persons the
world over. I do not deserve the wealth and privilege and comfort that is my
life. I am grateful.
Life truly is what we make of it. My story is that
I got up from laying on the floor one cold day in January and limped down the
street. I cried. I could not make it one block away to the cross street. The
next day I did it again. And again. And again.
I am slow. But, I do run (or trot, or jog, or
lope—I certainly don’t want to insult real
runners). I am back on the trails and streets that I love to wander as I wonder
about life. I completed a half marathon in April 2013 and am training for the
Kansas City Marathon in October. (Although I had so many interruptions in my
training this summer, I may have to settle for the half marathon.)
My new running buddies Hydi, Meta, Nappie, and
Gabbie (all meds) allow me to enjoy long runs and “push it” on hill runs. (Does
this mean I am “doping” when I enter a race? Would my end of the pack, but
finishing ahead of the street sweepers results disqualify me?)
I choose to run. I choose to run without
medication. When the pain is just too much, I choose to run with medication. My
life is better because I run. Life happens.